“I go to encounter for the millionth time the reality of experience and to forge in the smithy of my soul the uncreated conscience of my race”
-James Joyce
SUMMERTIIIIIIME & the livin’s easy.
thoughts on a tangent —
This right here is my desperate attempt to document what I’ve been struggling to keep quiet through this entire trip. I know nothing meaningful will come out of this, but I’ve got to write the words as they come to my mind or I’ll go insane. I’m going in and out of my thoughts–the ones that continue to ring let me know that I do have a few skeletons in the closet that need addressing. Thoughts can be demented, so much so that I have seen them bend. I’m trying to keep everything straight, but we all know that’s not gonna happen. I fear that I’m ruining this beautiful, sunny picture… I keep trying to write around everything to save the rest for some special occasion. I don’t know what I’m saving it for… Just run with it, Ashlyn. Take it. Stop waiting around for that distant point in the future that will magically somehow release all of the gorgeous demons from your soul and twist them into some kind of sense. That’s not reality. And it’s not just going to happen.
I feel myself coming back to all of the shame. Shame for the girl I have turned out to be. But that’s not the half of it. There is something in my spirit that I defend. All and all, it’s great to be back in a weird, fucked up kinda way. (And that “weird, fucked up kinda way” that I use to dismiss all the complexities of life that I’m too much of a coward to confront, is about to start being described in more tangible terms).
Rambling…
It might be the depiction of some scene, or some careless string of words falling from the lips of a certain stranger that somehow captures the fire of the universe that we’re all trying so hard to describe. Art is…us… our painful episodes at trying to express what’s eating our insides, driving us mad. Then I guess you take a step back, and you can finally see that we’re all just making a huge mockery of ourselves. Who can satirize life the best?
…I’m going to start being more optimistic. I’m not really this depressing…
aalishaanderson 