i forgot a show n tell item for work today

4

Racing through gates
Knocking down walls
I restrict my motion
Too afraid of this fall

A slave to myself
I’m screaming out–No
With simultaneous vigor,
I let myself go

A cruel patterned catharsis
I measure my worth
These twisted hysterics
Cruel, self-inflicted mirth

So I’ll rebuke your simplicity
Count off my prides
Just to retrace this circle
Taste the bitterness of my lies

3

Determine a cause
To justify this heavy ship
Whose rhythm rocks me into life
While we beg for it to sink
Somewhere far below the surface

I sail in search of sense
In a place of a thousand empty shells
I pick them up, hold them
Turn them over in my hand
The grooves and notches–Taken
Sending me to a grave of secrets

Run through me, Run over me
I feel not the injuries to my self
Not with these perfect sails
That whisk and whirl my fear
Let me live this dizzyness
That drowns me with my hopes

But softly listen for me in the background
Rescue me, my voice

2

Let go, detach yourselves,
I beg you
For the gentle seduction of your remnants
Tear and pinch at the solitude
An illusion that we create for our sake
But this is not our desire

For we cherish them
Intertwine them with our vision
So that existence is a stack
Of anonymously chosen texts
We reference and we forbid

1

Strip me of these thoughts that threaten the gentle tide
Listen to the untamed dialogue
To reveal to me its poison
For I tend to ignore its omens
As I cling to the enchantment
While its truths remain under the tough skin of foreign space
And I can dig– I do
Perhaps only a path retraced endlessly
But the sliver of this unnamed mystery
Lurking in the darkness of a corrupted mind
Disallows the option to return soundlessly
An endeavor for peace
Plagued with doubt

From June 26, 2009

At a time like this, I constantly am looking behind me. I wish I could focus myself on something productive; after all, there really is so much I should be doing. Still, I continue to lull over what is already gone–wishing that I could go back and do it again, but this time, take it in, absorb it, so as to never forget it. I want to remember, yet it becomes more and more difficult. I’m walking away from eighteen years of an entire spectrum of experiences, and I have to accept that, yes, they have made me stronger, and they have changed me, and they have hurt me, but other than that, they are over. It is literally impossible to document what I wish I could document. The trust I once blindly placed on my parents and the unquestionable faith I had in my future cannot ever be felt again. It seems, and undoubtedly is, the older I grow, the less innocent my entire manifestation appears. The rifts and ruts of my existence, so cleverly disguised for me as a child, become so apparent–it almost feels as if I’ve been lied to. However, it might be in my best interest, to extend the simplicity and innocence of life for as long as possible.
Perhaps that’s what I’ve been longing for–grieving for: one last glimpse of that pleasant, simple life–one last chance to say goodbye to my youth. It’s so unfortunate to suddenly realize life has taken a new turn unexpectedly, but really, I’ve been preparing for this moment all my life. Here it is. Still, throughout all of the preparation, I never took the time to remind myself to savor my naivety. As of now, in this point in my life, I’ve come to realize that the more I learn of the world, the more overwhelming and powerless I feel. Who’s to say that can’t change; I’m just beginning my adulthood, but for now, I wish I would have considered the span of my childhood, or simply been aware that my time was limited–and still is.